Why do I even talk about emotions and self-love and behavioral patterns and therapy and blah blah blah, isn't that embarrassing and vulnerable and very exposing? yes. However, you know I made an agreement with myself to share my journey and I am not gonna leave out parts just because they are uncomfortable. I think this part is SOOOOO important for many. Why? In my experience, people don't change by mere discipline, they change when they have connected the dots and started to understand themselves better. period. You can disagree all you want. You might be in denial? Yes you are perfect how you are right now. Yes there is a plan for your life. BUT wonder if you could help control the course and outcome by how you think and your perceptions? I am telling you right now this IS POSSIBLE. YOU can change the course of your life right now just by the way you think. Holy crap! Your brain has super powers BUT your soul/spirit CAN be in charge. It needs to be in charge of your ego and your brain power and it needs to coddle your emotions so they can get out and feel the process. Try taking a step back and viewing yourself as a child. What would you say to encourage that child to be, do, think? Be kind to yourself and act as if you are taking care of yourself as a child.
Sounds silly right? Well for some, maybe. I am only 1 example and 1 person so I know there are MANY ways to be free and heal and be you! I would love to hear what strides others have made in life. I think we learn quickest when something BIG comes into our lives. I have definitely taken Cancer and choked the life out of it to better myself. No holding back. No doing it halfsies. Only 200%. I can thank my addictive personality for that. #spankyouverymuch. I am concerned with this part of life because it can help us steer through life in a more successful and fulfilling and happy way. For myself, I can approach every moment and choose to see the good or I can choose to worry and focus on other parts. When you are dealing with cancer, it is better to choose the "see the good" part. Why? Because if u don't it will wear you down to a point where u have nothing left to give. Nothing left to give yourself or others. We could also choose to accept what is happening in each moment and believe it is for the good. I might not agree. I might have feelings of anger. I might choose to dis-engage. And that is fine. It is what it is. If you continue, you will see it all works out. Just like if you get mad about something or have a strong emotion about something and you say ok i will sleep on it and see how i feel in the morning then that thing seems to be a little LESS the next day or you seem to be over it or you seem to have clarity. IT's JUST the PROCESS. oh. silly me. feeling kinda sheepish now. ok let's get on with it.
That has been the sentiment I am slowly growing into these days. I know some drama queens and i think i might just have been one in my past. Drama in my head every day and night. Why? I dunno BUT just like Mary J. Blige I'm gonna get it crunk and perculatin' and have no more drama in my life. I have had some of the BEST and WORST days this past year. Some days I am smiling ear to ear, on cloud nine and PRAY the feeling stays. THEN the next day I get whacked onto my knees again and find myself feeling hopeless and insecure. THEN i sleep on it and the next day don't seem so bad. I pick myself up and keep charging forward. As I meditate to keep my mind in check I often think of the Deepak Chopra saying I know which is "just try doing nothing". Today I am perplexed as I look back at all the work I have put into "change" this past year and feel this statement is so false? Perhaps I just don't understand what he meant? All I know is I have clocked in countless hours of self-work this past year and it has gotten me to places i never thought existed. How can doing nothing be right? I don't get it, Deepak please explain........
So as I face all the challenges that digging into your emotions and past can serve you, I still remain on my health journey dealing with cancer. When I say the word sometimes I can't even believe. I see the stigma attached to the word and can't believe I am part of that category. I can't believe that there are OTHER health strategies that are not even in the MAINSTREAM that people are NOT shown so they can deal with their health. I can't believe that the masses don't think that food can be a miracle drug. I can't believe that people think they are not suseptible to poor health conditions or that it could be looking them right in the face when they look at their family and/or environment and they do nothing. wait!!... yes i can... i am having a let's deal with it moment and stop being judgemental moment people... don't judge... we all do it... i can relate... i just did it... my sister had breast cancer and my mom nudged me to get a mammogram and i laughed it off in my head as if it were not possible that 2 sisters could be diagnosed in the same year.. i pushed LIFE away for many years and told myself that success is how much i do per day and how much i make... i drank to help subside my emotions so i didn't have to feel crappy... i made excuses to not show up because i was always busy doing.... i chose to not listen and think i was right....
gross! ugly! can't even believe! no wonder i felt like sh++. glad it's over. I have started to conquer bad habits, bad relationshops, bad ways of existing, and bad patterns from my past.
Yup. That WAS me. THIS is ME now. Feeling better each day. I have to note for the record that Cancer does not even scare me. Death does not scare me. Has it ever? Not that I can remember. BUT living life unfulfilled and unhappy and unhealthy scares the SH ++ out of me. At this point I don't even care what a test result says because you know what, my mind can determine where I go, not some test result. SOME may think this foolish, however, if you read the paragraphs up above and below perhaps you MIGHT start believing? even a little bit? I have had multiple pee tests, thermograms, MRI's, Mammograms, and Ultra sounds recently to monitor what is going on in my body. In the medical world I should be fully diagnosed, right? No doctor has talked about food or emotions or dealing with the past or how I got here in the first place. They just want to take tests and see what they say. Well I will tell you what they have said. The MRI said I still had "suspect" areas and they have grown in size and changed shape. holy shit! My cancer got worse? The Mammogram only showed the "clip" they put in when they biposied the suspect cells. holy shit! I just cured my own cancer? The ultra sound showed some suspect areas but did not directly correlate with the MRI results? WTF does that mean? The thermogram showed a decrease in area that was claimed "cancerous" but an increase in hot spots in the sternum and areas that could possibly relate to the lymph nodes? NOW HOW AM I SUPPOSE TO STAY SANE AND TAKE IN ALL THIS INFO?? I am not exaggerating. That IS what has happened. I am not complaining as I know it is part of the process. BUT it is confusing and energy sucking, and emotionally draining, and there has to be a better way. FYI, I am doing 2 separate MRI biopsies the next week. One on the right breast and one on the left breast. A biposy is the ONLY way to know if certain areas in your body are truly cancer so that is what I will do hopefully one last time. Wish me luck. I will continue doing all that I have been doing because THIS got me for a LIFETIME. There is no stopping and hopefully when I am further along I can start to really help others in the same predicaments.
Thx for listening.