I know I have slowed down on my blogging. Perhaps the complexity of all this will be a good enough explanation. Feeling lost in a world that can suck you up and spit you out in 1 breathe and gulp is a doozy and yes "it" has been 1 tough pill to swallow. More like 100 tough pills to swallow if I were to be completely honest. However, I have to tell you a quick story. Oddly, there are 3 "visions" I have had in my lifetime. I am being completely truthful here and by "vision" I mean I had a past experience, and during that experience I had a feeling or flash to the future and KNEW something was going to happen. I will tell you these 3 things now. About 20 years ago I was aligned with a sweet girl with Cancer. I was to help her get in shape and feel good. She was in remission and fell back into cancer while I was meeting with her. I had a more than strong intuition that in my lifetime this was preparing me for something to do with Cancer. Also, about 30 years ago I wrote my grandmother and told her I was going to buy a jeep and live in a place in Chicago. I did just that. Then, 14 years ago I actually was at the very 1st Too White Crew show and when I saw the girl on the turntable I thought, "that is where I need to be". 1 year later, I replaced her in the band. Yes these are true stories. I have thought a lot about these stories recently as I dissect my life and who, what, where I want to be while I live out the rest. Perhaps I am waiting for that next vision.
So while I wait, I have been killing time with how to better myself, understand myself, understand the past, the present, and the future as it pertains to me. Yes very egocentric of myself. But you know what I just had another "aha"moment. I was trying really hard to see a positive side of ego, I just discovered it! So while I ride the bandwagon of being egocentric I will share my discoveries. These are just my learnings so far and my own discoveries of what things look and feel like from a different perspective than the past me.I am not a Dr. Phil or Dr. Oz or a T.D. Jakes or an Oprah or a Deepak Choprah or a Judge Judy or a Suze Orman. I do not have a specialty in healing but all these public figures have a bit of their teachings that resonate in my mind. I do not promote any specific products or services in relation to self-help or self-healing or health because I feel every individual is unique and uses what they need over life to get through life. I DO think however there is a Deepness about how far you choose to dig and understand the likes of yourself. If I were to brag about myself it would be just that. I dig deep and I dig far and I always keep going until the job is done. Remember I am a workoholic. :)
So what exactly is this battle and why? Why be part of it and why is it so complex? I will tell you! We all want happiness and health and freedom, right? We say it with ease and it drips off our tongues as if we have it all figured out and it is easy to achieve. We think ok just do what you love and the money will come, marry your prince/princess charming, laugh a lot, and get 15 minutes of sunshine each day. Wonder if I had a client that wanted to lose weight and I responded with, ok, expend more calories than what you consume each day, the client would not hire me right? Just cuz you say it and it seems simple it is not because we are complex human beings with lots of emotions to feel and juggle, a big fat ego that pops up all the time, and a sweet spirit that tries it's best to comfort us. As I have been listening to self help videos and reading books they make it all seem like it should be so easy right? I am learning it is about educating and understanding all the complexities of you. Many people don't do it because it is hard and it sucks to deal with all the complexities you let rule over your lifetime. I have been asking myself if I really wanna open up all these cans of worms and deal with them because they FEEL so crappy. My friends, the journey is worth it... so far. :)
I have learned that fear has dominated and won many battles in my lifetime. Sadly so, I have to forgive myself and let go of my past losses, mistakes, and bad choices. Fear like what you ask? Well fear of spiders is real for me BUT fear of living my full potential and how that trickles into every aspect of my life is a biggie. My friend was telling me a pretty scary story lately of how life has thrown his family a big curveball. They live in fear each day for what? That is not a statement being judgmental it was me asking myself the same question. Fear of failure? Fear of getting hurt? Fear of success? (is there such a thing) Fear of intimacy? Fear of showing your true self to the others? Fear of showing your true self to yourself? I always thought I was not very fearful until this past year. I actually did not now I was living in fear in many different ways. I have always had a "charge forward" kinda personality. I thought I tackled many fears in the past but geez I didn't know I had sooooo many! It's kinda embarrassing as I sit on the couch at the therapists office and cry away my past. but it feels like I have lost about 100lbs so far of mental weight. Holy crap and all it took was guess what..... doing the work. If I were to gamble, which I don't, I would have bet on myself to be "the best" mentally and emotionally since all it takes is work. But like I said earlier , I don't know much. Life had me fooled and locked up in a glacier for years. My inner beast is thawing out so get scared people! I don't mind letting my inner beast rule. I kinda visualize it like the Abominal snowman from Disneyland- I remember I swear I thought he was smiling when we passed him and he didn't seem scary. I remember thinking he was fuzzy and cute. I liked him.
Back to fear, it dissipates as you learn about yourself and can understand your inner workings. Nowadays I am able to pinpoint acting out of fear and my reaction to that and how it has not really been helping me. Out of fear It was also hard to love myself or deal with any/all emotions. Yes, putting my hot messness all out there for the world to see. I know I am not alone so no judgement please. :) It’s not about trying not to feel negative sensations, by staying in your head, judging yourself, numbing out with addictions or making others responsible for your feelings. This was my gut reaction to fear throughout the years. I did not know fear had such a fierce sword. I let it cut me to pieces and now I would like to consider myself like a starfish. I am regenerating. :)
As I regenerate, I now have the proper weapons and tools to fight my ego and keep her in check. Yes weapons because ego is a sassy bitch AND a goblin that lurks behind you. My shadow is now my ego. I let the sun shine on my face so that shadow stays behind me at all times! I shake my head at ego day after day. I cannot believe how much of society is ego. It is mind blowing really. You know when you learn a lesson and a year later you see it again and can't believe you were in that place a year ago? The same thing. I am not hating on peoples egos, because we all have one, but, i still cannot believe. So if I appear judgmental It is highly likely that my brain is just in complete disbelief or I am studying the present ego to help figure it all out better. Or it is quite possible I am being judgmental because my own ego took over. :) We all do it. I just wanna do it less. As soon I was able to think of my ego as an extension of me rather than it being who I was and let it control aspects of my life, I became instantly a bit happier. I was able to live a bit more in the moment. I was able to let go. I was able to stop judging myself and others. I am able to see it when it creeps out like a damn halloween costume. But now we are friends, kinda, and are able to be civil to one another. :) On a bad day, the battle becomes like Gladiator the movie, I have to deal with my ego and emotions all at once and the fight is big and real and there are heroes and villains and slaves and arenas and a tiger!
"Reduced to slavery, Maximus rises through the ranks of the gladiatorial arena to avenge the murders of his family and his emperor." That was the wikipedia definition. Although I feel like Maximus, I am no avenger, but i suppose it is like I am avenging against myself that is why this is so complex people! Taking control of ones life can mean many things and different things for different people. Which brings me to the Spirit part of this blog... my favorite. I do not maintain a religion. I believe in the idea of god. I believe we are all spirits that get to live a life in the body we are given and when it is time to go we float away into the abyss and get to reconnect with all the others who have also left. My mistake was thinking spirit was an extension of who we were and ego was the body capsule that we are and how we act and we should all just learn to behave. I know it sounds crazy. I was crazy. A looney tune character that kept getting zapped by everyone else's ego. Then spirit would come guide me when I started asking questions. That's when it all started for me I just didn't realize it. As soon as I asked questions I started to slowly evolve. Somewhere along the way I stopped asking questions out of fear. Last year, Cancer made me start asking questions again. I got back in the game and now here I am. I am present, showing up, crafting my skills, and am playing as many innings as necessary.
Thx for reading-