So this Chakra pic to the left is basically WHAT I have been working on so diligently the past year. I really had no idea I was SO out of whack. I knew I was waking up with stress and pressure and unhappiness that admittedly I put on myself. I was SO caught up in living what I call the ego-life that I had no idea what I was doing, missing, feeling, being, or projecting. I wasn't a bad person. I was just a very hurt and confused person.
If you are just catching up with my blogs, I have been on a mission to "cure my breast cancer naturally" the past 2 years. I have been successful because I have somewhat mastered my food, fitness, clean products, and finally getting connected with my spirit. I really was dumb to the fact that we have control over disease. It comes from within and YES you CAN heal yourself. I am STILL on my journey and have not and will likely never master everything. But I suppose that is what I have learned is perfection.
The chakra ideas to the left along with positive quotes, mantras, daily affirmations, were all things I have surrounded myself with since I started A Fly Girl years ago. I was saying the words that I needed to hear BUT I really wasn't getting it or connecting or really FEELING what they said. I knew where I wanted to be. I wanted to be out of this trap I felt I was in and out of the repetitive daily routines that seemed so mundane and unfulfilling. I wanted to actually FEEL instead of "act like it". Well this soul searching, digging up the past, understanding living in the moment, letting go, finding peace within myself, getting rid of self-hatred, and mending wounds, have all been part of my transformation. I know I have changed because when I see and feel others around me act as I did, I know I have changed. I am not saying I am better than others, I am saying this FEELS WAYYYY better than before. I can finally breathe.
It took disease to help move me to this place. For others it might come more naturally. For some maybe never. Transforming myself has been the MOST challenging thing I have ever done to date. I had some REALLY BIG demons. They had overshadowed my entire life. Sometimes I feel embarrassed or ashamed but I know this is all part of the process. I still have my crying days. I still have my depressed days. I still have my emotional eating days. BUT in the scheme of things, I feel 99% happier with life, with myself, and what is surrounding me most days.
Gone are the days of dark and heavy. That's the visual I get of cancer. A big dark heavy blob. I feel like it's gone. Perhaps I will die of cancer when I am old cuz it took me so long to start figuring out everything. I am ok with that. You have to die of something. I don't think this will happen, but I also don't have control over the earth, and other people, and all that exists out in the world. That is what I will call environmental. That's what they say is the biggest cause of disease. This thought makes me really sad because it implies that we are doing it to ourselves. The only solace in knowing or believing this is that means we also have the control to change it.... there is hope.
I have participated in many healing modalities the past 2 years. I I am willing to try and learn anything because it is necessary. I want to live free and happy and peaceful and in love. I don't want to have crappy days and feel like the world sucks and that I suck and that people suck. I am learning about reality and it's NOT on TV. I am learning about my thoughts and perceptions. I am learning to love and accept myself. I am learning to live and let be, live and enjoy, live and help, live and let go of the past, live and really be non-judgemental, live and be happy with me. I want to define myself as a soul that is just passing through, that happens to be in this body, and will continue to float amongst the universe when this body can no longer function. When I start to see things clearly and have clarity, I feel kinda stupid posting pictures of myself on fb, or listing all the "titles" of things that I do, engaging in gossip or negative talk, being stylish or picking outfits out and accessorizing, wearing stage makeup makes me feel somewhat of a clown, and when my house gets messy i don't feel right and know it's time to clean and meditate and re-align what has drifted somewhat out of whack again. It's an ongoing process.
I am approaching this transformation like I would as a Personal Trainer with their client. I have talked the talk and this whole thing is really about me walking my talk. I know what to do, I just need to do it. If I don't know what it is in the moment, eventually it becomes clear because now my house is clean. I couldn't see it before because my house was dirty and filled with clutter and junk. I was a hoarder on the inside. I squashed all my emotions. I let myself marinate in the "world" that is viewed negatively and it zapped all that I was capable of being. I let myself be controlled by people and situations and it effected my thoughts and beliefs. It took shamans, therapsists, energy workers, hypnotherapy, opening up communication lines with family and loved ones, reading books, watching documentaries, meditation, online self-help courses, and yoga workshops to turn myself around and be able to SEE. After that, my EMOTIONS started to pour out like a bunch of waterfalls and hurricanes and a "water damn wall" had been released. The remnants are still trickling out. It took cookies and coffee to exist each day.
Today life is good. It feels good. It feels lighter and I can see the light. I am making my way towards existing completely in the light. I am on my "maintenance" plan. Just trying to keep things in check and let it all dissolve naturally. I feel like a new me has emerged and now I have to figure out WHAT to do with her? I feel like I have so many capabilities and thoughts and feelings and ideas that could never shine in the past because of the "state of myself". I look forward to a blissful 2nd half of my life!
Thanks for taking the time to read.