It sure is about baby steps. Comparative to how I was thinking pre-cancer, I had grandiose ideas that seemed overwhelming to achieve. The set up in my mind was full of trickery, internal negative talk, and a negative self image. Never satisfied and always anxious and putting pressure on myself and listening to everyone else and taking everything personal. This mentality was applied towards most things in my life. Boy was my head messed up! My visions were legit, but the process in getting there was none and I was causing myself unnecessary daily stress. I am slowly morphing into a NEW and IMPROVED Tami during my natural healing of cancer journey. To be honest, I don't think much about having disease, I don't let it define me, but i do get caught up in this whole transformation thing. I am still transforming and this one is a doozy. I remember being in my mid 20's, unhappy and unfulfilled and really examining my life at that point in time. I went through about a year of Transformation and yes I thought I had it all figured out. That was my first mistake. Little did my 20something self know that every day, week, month, year, century is all about growing and changing. It's funny how each decade of my life has brought on a whole new meaning to life and my approach. The 40's actually ain't so bad, considering all that I have been blessed with to learn and grow and all the friends and family and awesome people I have encountered.
 | So one thing that has been a major SHIFT in my life is slowing down my daily process and doing what right now I call "witnessing" everything. I describe it as witnessing rather than my "in the momentness" because it still feels pretty foreign to me. An analogy that is helping me make this shift is creating and tending to these lovely flowers and herbs you see to the left. I feel like it kinda resembles life. I got the herbs as "starters", so they had already grown a bit ( i did not start from seeds) and the pretty colored flowers i got in semi-bloom state and now they are big and colorful and poofy. I like to think of my analogy in depth because I am a virgo and that is what I do. In previous summers I was starting from seeds for my herbs and every summer I failed at producing herbs. Sometimes we just need a little help to get us started in the right direction. So thanks to Gethsemane Gardens in Chicago, I can now cook this summer with Basil, Thyme, Rosemary,Cilantro, and soon to be some Tomatoes! I can't believe it! This whole parallel process in regards to living life has been hard to let go and accept but it feels great when I let people in and get help, kind words, support, or just take the time to actually listen instead of react. So thanks! |
The beautiful flowers resemble all the gifts I was given and how I can shine and live a colorful life and be a colorful me! It has been interesting, because when the plants have not been taken care of properly they dry up or wilt from too much heat. I felt like a bad plant mom when I saw them in this state. I gave them all a good watering and walah! they bounced back to normal colorful status! Just like living life and picking yourself up after tough times or situations. It was the element of paying attention, seeing and feeling it, taking action to make it better, then seeing the great results! Who would have known some plants and herbs would teach me so much?!! My spirit says thanks to the creator. My mind is still processing. My emotions are warm and fuzzy. My body and eyeballs just enjoy sitting within the color and greenery. :) So all is good in the hood. Day by day they continue to grow.
| Day by day scenario #2 is working at the gyms. Beginning of this year we opened a 3rd location. Let's call it an expansion. It was different than opening the other 2 gyms because we are in the middle of figuring out a "plan of action" for the old 3rd location but in the meantime we created a fitness studio next door to start expanding. Long story short, I have been put in situations that are challenging the very parts of me that need a fixing. So it was feeling like another battle, which YES I created in my head. I just needed to let go and let things be and quit being a "perfectionista". Hard on myself and hard on others and looking at things negatively but still trying to be positive and hopeful? No life does not work well that way. I had a talk with myself and reminded me that all is good and going as planned. I meditate and surround my brain with the new thought patterns and perceptions and views and the teachings of mystics and gods and gurus and healers to keep my brain in check. Some days I even throw in a coffee to keep me going and a cookie if I am feeling like I need an extra boost in the brain. :) It seems to work. but still working on making it permanent and stick like super glue. I am totally amazed that I can feel amazing one day and then 5% of my evil brain cells take over and can make life seem like a sh++hole in an instant THEN my happy brain cells kick em out and the sunshine emerges all over again. Some days I feel super crazy and maybe I am? This whole training the brain is pretty tricky and some days I just feel sad. Hence the picture to the right. This day it was raining outside and no one showed up for class and I was all alone inside wallowing in emptiness and failure until i kicked my butt out and had another talking with myself. I feel like a parent but the child is me too? wtf Well we are in Chicago and the summer has arrived and our outdoor courtyard is in full bloom with flowers and we can also run our classes outdoors! What a great scenario to get to work in and be part of and see our growth even if the old Tami sometimes gets wrapped up in the slow snowball of change effect. The gyms are doing well and things are progressing and it is nice to be part of 3 thriving businesses! So thanks to all my gymrat homies! Day by day we move and teach and are a good example of change and growth and understanding and support. |  |
this is my Dad.....
this is my Dad taking a selfie....
He is the perfect example of taking it day by day. He has been a good example my whole life, I just did not take the time to REALLY enjoy him and let his "in the momentness" rub off on me. He is in his 70's and still spends each week working, cleaning the house, makes meals, fixes what is broken, rises early, organizes each day before I am probably even thinking about getting up, takes time to call me and run through his itinerary, and even goes to my shows once in a while! He really is the coolest Dad ever. He does not stress himself out and let the hard times get him down. He just keeps going like the energizer bunny. He has been this way ever since I can remember and has not deviated. He is in great health and wears a smile every day. He is constantly helping people and giving all that he knows how. I am sure he wakes up with a clear conscience every day and feels great about himself and life. As I am typing these words I am realizing I have the BEST example in front of me and feel super lucky to realize this and to be a part of his life while we are here on earth. I think I ned to call him now and tell him so!
Last but not least is dealing with myself day by day. I am last on this blog because I am working on not being too selfish. However it does not mean I am least. Still working on this negative self perception too. I like this pic because I look confident and peaceful. 2 areas which have been a struggle for me. Yes this is a band pic and it is me being "DJ ShorT" and that is a bit of acting, but it gets me in the right frame of mind sometimes and helps build my character as a human being. Day by Day in this band has created MANY learning lessons for me. My relationship with this band has been a bowlful of cherries AND somewhat torturous on my body and mind. I will add that I made it torturous for myself at times but that was part of the growth spurts and learning how to be strong in my convictions as a person AND learn from all the personalities that are in the band and in front of me when performing. It has been a whirlwind of excitement, butterflies, self-expansion, making myself vulnerable, learning how to be comfortable with myself, socializing , reeling in the demons in my brain, self-expression, different stages of metamorphosis, standing strong as a woman, and being at peace with everything at the end of the day. It is more week by week instead of day by day since I have seen these peeps EVERY weekend the past 14 years. They are extended family and I feel lucky to have this opportunity, especially on my worst days. Thx fam.