Lately it's been mixing and matching days and nights....trying to go with the flow, moving into the present, riding all the bumps, trying to understand where to go next, wanting to expand and create happiness around my world, still letting go, still transforming, still healing, still discovering, still sleepless nights, still letting love in, and put em all together, it feel like chaos.
Who would have thunk that cancer would be the catalyst to such an earth shattering and life changing world. Not in my wildest dreams did I ever see this coming or think that I had this much to learn, change, let go, and grow. Sigh.
It sure is day by day, and moment by moment to really live in the present and observe what is. The problem is digesting what is comparative to what was and letting it be ok with where you are now in the present moment. I have done lots of transforming in my life, but this one takes the cake. I have been socially inept at times, but THIS time in my life takes the cake as well. Some days I feel like such an outsider of my life and the world that I become the Observer. Perhaps this is a good thing.
I still have moments that arise where I question how much of a fog was I really living in? I have traveled solo this past year on 3 separate occasions and it has been very awesome. Not so much fun being alone part, but just taking part in adventures and going with the flow of how you feel in the moment and putting yourself in charge of you and doing whatever feels best. I have also had many shows with the band and have had totally opposite experiences at the same place, but time just elapsed and I changed my perspective and approach. I have also had times at my fitness jobs that feel so at ease and helpful that it makes me appreciate some of the skills I am starting to attain and it has made me be more empathetic to individuals.
I can equate these happenings and feelings with my waking up process. I know each morning what kind of day my body will have according to how stiff the body feels and how the knees feel walking down the staircase. I know what emotions I am feeling each morning and am baffled when the tides turn and take me on a whole other roller coaster of emotions in the blink of any eye. I can actually feel my ego popping in my head trying to make me be the ways I don't care to be right now. I can also feel my spirit shine through when I give thanks and have time to meditate.
This waking up process then evolves into what happens the rest of the day. Was I able to turn the tides and make it a sunshiny day OR did I let it get the best of me and the day turned to sh++. Be patient, I am still learning this stuff. I try to follow the whole idea of being in the moment and choosing to be happy, but some days it is just overwhelming and hard to change the current. I think mostly the current in my mind. It is SO true you can instantly change what is into something else in a matter of seconds. I have had many conversations in my head lately when I am trying to rediscover new ways to approach matters and deal with life. I have had success and am happy to report that all is good in the hood of emotions. Not every day is super fun, BUT, it is the whole process of being "feeling" human beings right? I feel my robotic ways dissipating and a whole new world seems to be emerging. I am finally waking up to "what is" and forming my own reality based on my new perceptions and new and improved brain cells. The world CAN and IS a wonderful place. I just need to adapt to these new found views and emotions and absorb in the new "what is" each morning as I awake to a new day.